Terrified

I started this post, mentally last year, actually writing it May 28, months before school starts. Sitting at my desk at work with tears streaming down my cheeks.

I’ll start with saying that I do have an older (handsome, smart, funny…) son that is already in school, Jr. High; yes he survived, and yes he is happy. I understand the logic. But that does not make this any easier. I am terrified of the idea that Madison will be starting school this year.

I have thousands of reason. Some sane and lots of insane mommy reason - like, she just needs me (or maybe it’s I just need her). I don’t want her to be scared or frustrated or hurt or sad or… I think you get it. I think she got a pretty crappy start in this world and deserves nothing but happiness now and forever (remember I said insane mommy reasoning).

I know she will love being in school. She wants nothing more then to make lots of friends. She will be happy (and maybe sad, scared, frustrated… and that she will be ok). I know she is waiting to soak everything in. I know all of this. I’m still terrified.

I didn’t want her to start out being labeled, you know the “sick kid”, or the “cancer kid” she has been cancer free for 3 ½ years. J and talked about not even saying anything to the school since she was released medically with no school restrictions. I agreed, until I went in the gymnasium during the tour of the school, and one of the gym walls is a rock wall. Yep, a 4-5 foot high rock wall. I spilled. She is labeled. She will have restriction placed by mom – no harness free rock wall climbing. Let me explain, the cancer is not my biggest concern anymore. My concern is the hole the cancer left in my daughter spinal cord (c1 – t2 for the medical types out there). This hole promised to put my daughter in a wheel chair twice, both of her tumor resections. This hole promised additional surgeries including removing 2 of my daughter’s ribs to fuse to the vertebrae to assist in holding her head up. This hole cause Madison’s neurosurgeon to be amazed every 6 months that she is still holding her head up on her own. So yes, this hole forces this mom take some extra precautions to make sure Madison is safe. I won’t be there to protect her.

I am scared that she will get hurt. I’m scared that she will have her feelings hurt. I’m scared that she will be scared.

Remember me?

Terrified.