lucky one

I’m giving Madison a bath right now, actually right now conditioner is soaking in her chlorine dried out ends of her beautiful blonde hair, hopefully bringing back the smooth satin sheen back. And I am blogging just a few feet away. Listening to her play with her new Baby Mermaid Barbie bath toy. Funny story how she got that toy. Yesterday I called her on my way home from work. I told her I had to stop by Target to pick up something for daddy and I would be home soon. Madison said that I could pick something up for her too. I asked her “oh yeah, like what”. Madison told me “well mom, you know I like toys”. How could I say no to that? Anyway, she is in the bathroom laughing at the water spraying on her Barbie. I love to hear her laugh.

Well Madison is now sleeping soundly in her bed, I was blogging and she decided that she was ready to get out of the bath. So I took a bit of a break.

So, the reason for tonight’s post, while giving Madison a bath I asked her if she was my baby. She’s 4 and very much a big girl to everyone else, but will always be my baby. Tonight Madison said that she was still my baby, but not forever. My heart stopped, it’s always in the back of my head, she has brain cancer. I can’t shake the fears that come along with that, or the words that have been said to J and I, or my mom and I - those were the worst (that doctor will never see my daughter again, according to him she shouldn’t be here now so he lost his rights to watch her grow into this beautiful little girl, yes I’m still angry with him). So I asked her when she will stop being my baby. She said when she is 80 that she would not be my baby. 80? I’ve never allowed myself to think that far ahead. I’m still scan by scan, or every 6 months. I know she is a miracle. I never really expect the results to change but I fear they can. I wonder if she has some insight that everything is going to be ok, that we are one of the lucky ones. 80. I’m ok with that; she can be a big girl then.